If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
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Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
☠️ ☠️
