If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
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I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
WTF IS THAT!
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
welcome back
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful