got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
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I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married