If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
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You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before