If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
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[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹