If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
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What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
The dark side of Canada
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her