Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up

Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.

Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-

“Honey, you’re wrong.”

Brain: I give up.

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

Me driving through Toronto

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.

If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.

Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now

if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.

*Infinite space outside*

A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!

When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.

*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*

me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

friend: our baby was a surprise

me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how