Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅

4th year is going well.

ME: stay away from the cat

MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n t

ME: ur gonna get scratched again

MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.

Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor

My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle

Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.

My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.

Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

[two astronauts in space station]

“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows

this is funnier than any friends episode