If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
You Might Also Like
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.