If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

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[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.


Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.


Goals for my kids before I had them: teach them Spanish, only use positive reinforcement, never yell.

After: get them to put on pants.



I’d like to report a Twief!

911: What?

A Twurglar!

911: I don’t follow

You can’t catch em like that. Hurry they’re getting stars!


[the invention of money]
i want your stuff
“it’s mine tho”
what if i gave you a hard circle or a long paper


Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass

Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?

Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you

Scientist: too late


Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”


Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!


*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.