Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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[Movie pitch in Hollywood]
A mythical creature who likes to dance moves to a small town where dancing’s illegal. We’ll call it BigfootLoose
It’s stupid that “girl” and “world” are rhymed together so much in songs when “squirrel” is right there for the taking.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report
What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
When I see a couple fighting I like to walk up to the one who’s more pissed off and whisper “We can make it look like a suicide” and wink
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Keep your friends close and your enemies in urns.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once