Don’t worry. Nobody else wants Sharona.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Interviewer: holy shit
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?