@david8hughes

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

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@causticbob

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

@StinkyGr33n

[Movie pitch in Hollywood]

A mythical creature who likes to dance moves to a small town where dancing’s illegal. We’ll call it BigfootLoose

@jwalkonthemoon

It’s stupid that “girl” and “world” are rhymed together so much in songs when “squirrel” is right there for the taking.

@Laser_Cat

If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.

@JustUnstableMe

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

@Darlainky

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

@RobElliottComic

When I see a couple fighting I like to walk up to the one who’s more pissed off and whisper “We can make it look like a suicide” and wink

@narcoticpanda

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

@kjataylor

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once