If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
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I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
yikes
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood