If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
