Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.

Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.

Friend: That’s my stomach.

Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad

The optimist sees the carrot.

The pessimist sees the stick.

I see the ranch dip.

Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?

Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?

CEO: Genius!

There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.

The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.

i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg