If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Chemical wingman
Whoa… oh I see lol
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Children of the corn 🌽
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies