Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?

Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.

STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.

DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan

It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

Breaking News:

I did 3/16th of a complete push-up

I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?

Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN

ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away

A short story about romance.

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?

Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

them: PTSD

my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.