Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.

From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:

Step 1. Come into a large inheritance

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”

my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.

My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

Wife- Don’t forget the trash.

Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.

Wife- What did you ju…

Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.

Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

The Others (2001)

Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.

Wife: Who?

Me: 😮

Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.