If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
You Might Also Like
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Me irl
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts