If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
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her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.