If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
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I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
