If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
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Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
If you know, you know 😂🚔
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.