If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
You Might Also Like
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Me too
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome