If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
You Might Also Like
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
True?
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late