Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight

What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk

My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”

People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

Him: I got that dog in me

Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?

HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”

Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

There are two types of people in this world:

1) Good people

2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.

It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….

help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.