If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
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They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.