@ilovepie84

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

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@six_2_and_even

My wife is yelling THROW HER THROW HER during Olympic ice dancing with the bloodlust of 80,000 Roman citizens watching gladiators battle to the death.

@Home_Halfway

WAITER: Are you ready?

ME: Yes. I’ll have the burger, medium rare

WAITER: Fries?

ME: Curly

WAITER? Harry?

ME: Dirty

WAITER: Baby?

ME: Not in a corner

WAITER: Offers?

ME: Can’t be refused

WAITER: Excellent, sir

@WisdomGifs

You’d think that atoms bonding with other atoms would mean they’re being friendly, but really they steal each other’s electrons.

How ionic.

@datassque

yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.

@Maxine12333

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

@FU_TangClan

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr

@Shot_Of_Cabo

She: Why don’t we ever have sex anymore?

Me: What’s this “we” shit? I’m having plenty.

@Book_Krazy

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

@TimmyPumpkin

dorothy: WET TSHIRT CONTEST!
wicked witch: NOOOOOOOOO!
tin man: worst spring break ever.