If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

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My wife is yelling THROW HER THROW HER during Olympic ice dancing with the bloodlust of 80,000 Roman citizens watching gladiators battle to the death.


WAITER: Are you ready?

ME: Yes. I’ll have the burger, medium rare

WAITER: Fries?

ME: Curly

WAITER? Harry?

ME: Dirty


ME: Not in a corner

WAITER: Offers?

ME: Can’t be refused

WAITER: Excellent, sir


You’d think that atoms bonding with other atoms would mean they’re being friendly, but really they steal each other’s electrons.

How ionic.


yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.


Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.


Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr


She: Why don’t we ever have sex anymore?

Me: What’s this “we” shit? I’m having plenty.


[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!


wicked witch: NOOOOOOOOO!
tin man: worst spring break ever.