If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
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Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Yup
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.