If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
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I camp so other people don’t have to.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.