Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.

He didn’t hiccup.

He didn’t fake-hiccup.

He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning

Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!

listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

“This just in..”

My foot to my mouth.

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.

And for that I am infernally grapefruit.

I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂

Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

[lying in bed after sex]

Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark

g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.