Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

Netflix: We have Less

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.

Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”

Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.

Why I still can’t play Chess:

Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”

Me: “Horse.”

OB: “…the Knight.”

Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”

OB: “I need you to go away now.”

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

Wife: What do you think our song is?

Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.

Wife: Idiot…

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted

Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.