Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.

Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

*kicking in your front door*

I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food

Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”

Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”

5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Good times.

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.