Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

[cocktail party]

BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?

ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

ME: i’m depressed

FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better

ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.

Hope that helps.

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait

thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine

Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!