If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
You Might Also Like
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this