If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
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Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Art by Pastelkatto
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?