If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
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Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.