Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish

Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.

OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?

Me: my personality

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.

Do you believe in aliens ?

If so , do they have genitals?

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?

Me: just a little boo boo.

Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?

Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.

You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?

That’s preposterous

My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”

My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer

me: i won employee of the month

her: ur self-employed

me:

her:

me: i also got demoted

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.