Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

Lets all agree,

having your cake and eating it too,

is the same damn thing.

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???

You know I’m all about that bass,

‘Bout that bass…

My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.

Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

me: brush your teeth

my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth

yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.