If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
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I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
This January has 47 Mondays
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”