Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game

what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie

Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!

Me: Sounds like a plan.

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”

Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”

People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?

ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller

🤣

Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze

Some early signs you’re growing up:

1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere

Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.

NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one

Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.

Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.

*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?

Me: Between 8am and 12pm

Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”