Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?

Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire

wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.