Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…

My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”

Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!

HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

Happy Febuary everyone!

I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”

– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks