If you see a toilet in your dream, do not use it.
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Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Morning.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
True statement👍😏😁
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.