Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.

[sound of can opening]

wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?

me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday

wife: but we’re still at church

[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen

i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know

*offers Batman cough drops*

[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car

Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.

I just stopped by to water my horse.

This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”

to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog