Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

[heaven]

Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.

Batman’s parents: Same.

If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.

COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha

ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh

“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”

– Me, drunk at Target

Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.

In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt