If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
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Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
THE DOG😭😭💀
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover