If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
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Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.