If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
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A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice