“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
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I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Google+ is starting to sound like a half-way house for people that aren’t phony enough for Facebook but aren’t edgy enough for Twitter.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.