If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
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the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no