@PrisonCookies

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

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@PanicRestroom

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

@CandyEmpires

Google+ is starting to sound like a half-way house for people that aren’t phony enough for Facebook but aren’t edgy enough for Twitter.

@HomeWithPeanut

Inventor of beer: This will change the world.

Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]

@FredTaming

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

@mydmac

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

@Brentweets

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.

@JediGigi

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry

@AngelaEhh

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.