If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
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I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.