If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
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BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
marvel comics have peaked
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene