If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
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If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly