If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
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Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
airing out the snack pack
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
he looks great for his age
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95