If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
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You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.