If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
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ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
LA today:
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get