Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here

Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”

The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies

Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜

Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.