If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
You Might Also Like
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
@funTweeters
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.