Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious

If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

realest tweet ever.

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.

– Yoda does Hamlet

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

me irl

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

me texting friend: ooh what happened?!

friend: *sends elaborate voice note *

me to myself: guess I’ll never know

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?

me:

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”