@LostFelicia

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

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@beefman138

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

@ninatreemonkey

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

@Ygrene

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

@gregreckons

Personal trainer: You’ve gotta want it more than you want those donuts!

Me: *stops mid rep* Wait. What?

@zakagan

date: what’s your dream job?

me: designing food stats for RPGs

date: umm ok… *sips water*

me: [under breath] -2 thirst

@sirmunchie

Me to my Boss: Excuse me, sir, can I ask a stupid question.

Boss: Better than anyone else I know…

@curlycomedy

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

@AdamBroud

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver