If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
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Today’s weather from Yorkshire
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Mhm.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.