If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
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Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
This is I, Robot all over again
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.