If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
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My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
I stand by it
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
a New Yorker reject, for you
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands