If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
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I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Husband of the year 😂
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.