If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

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Anytime I see someone with dreadlocks i yell CONGRATS ON HAVING A DIRTY HEAD FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME


[At dentist]
Dentist: Any plans for the weekend?


Dentist: I’m not doing anything either.


I’ve never been put in the “friend” zone, but I have been put in the “please don’t tell my friend’s” zone.


Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.


BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…


WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol


ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon


Wife: Give me $50

Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy

W: Eh?

M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers


M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!

W: I despise you


The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.