If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
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Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
live, laugh, laundry.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”