If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
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Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?