If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
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Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.