If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
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[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I am yelling
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.