If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
You Might Also Like
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective