Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What did the 0 said to O?

Ohio!

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation

Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.

Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

Me: Where’s Ken?

3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.

I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly