If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
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Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…