If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
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date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
i wanna look like a snack this summer but i keep eating them
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.