@AngelaEhh

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

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@TedOfficialPage

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

@CornOnTheGoblin

date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve

@brokenfuIly

i wanna look like a snack this summer but i keep eating them

@SentenceReduced

“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

@QwertyJones3

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

@Dawn_M_

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

@rebrafsim

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

@iwearaonesie

When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.

She meant goals

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.