If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
You Might Also Like
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers