If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
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If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Inside you there are two wolves
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison