If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
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My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo