If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
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Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.