If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.
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[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
What
Life’s too short to have your shit together.