Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
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Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
this is the greatest thing ever
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.