Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

Shoo shoo! 😂

We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?

“shh, I’m getting mad online”