If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
You Might Also Like
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Natty or not?
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve